What Do You Want From Me?

What do you want from me? What have you done for me lately? Well that’s fair but it’s not enough.  Why are you even here anyways? I would have been better off never meeting you. Why did you drag me into this madness of society? I try and I try and you constantly knock me down, what the hell did I ever do to you? You’ll see, one day I won’t get back up and then what? You will have failed us both. Is that what you want? Okay, so then tell me what it is you want from me. Why didn’t you give me a map or something to help me navigate the unnecessary obstacles that you put in front of me? Is this a game to you? Unfortunately this burden that you have bestowed upon me is not pacman. I used to treat you like a game but I got down to my last quarter and didn’t want the game to end, so I let go of the joy stick and walked away to see another day. What do you want from me? I feel we should get to the bottom of this sooner than later, before I insert another quarter and restart the game. 

Peaces and Creases

TBN

Runner's High

Time to pound pavement, laced up and ready to go. Out the door and on the run, stride feels true, breathing even. 3 miles, 5 miles, 6? Hang a right on Riverside, attack the incline and feel the burn in the thighs. Right on Van Nuys, keep up with the cars as they stop at every stop light. It’s hot but no worry, that’s the best time to run, brings out the primality of it. Left on Burbank , another incline that is inviting. 1 mile in, feeling strong, sweat pouring. Dodge a pedestrian, and regain rhythm. 2 miles down, that was quick. Time to stop at the light with the looming incline that crosses over the 405 freeway. Green light, get it, push it, thighs screaming for oxygen filling with lactic acid. Peak, enjoy the downhill at a controlled pace. Easy sailing for a mile or two, time to settle in and total up miles like points in a video game. Pass the golf course as the runner high begins to set in. Feet get lighter, breath slows, everything is beautiful. Thoughts are clear, all the stress dissipates like dew in the morning as the sun rises, can’t be touched. Running on a cloud of euphoria bathed in sunlight that is no longer hot but comforting. 5 miles in and the high begins to where off and reality sets back in. The sun is now the harbinger of discontent and the stride begins to shorten and the breath becomes more laborious.

This is the best part of the run, time to dig deep, reach down and grab a hold. Time for second gear, there it is, no feeling in the legs or arms, just the vague recognition of running. Made it, exhale in relief, 6 miles.

Take a couple of minutes, then turn and head back home.

Peaces and Creases

TBN

Rejection

This was originally intended to be a pleasant post, than Tupac came on and my whole psyche changed. I wouldn’t say I’m angry, I’m not punching anything or anyone, and if you knew me back in the day I was known to collect teeth. You put some Pac on and I’m slapping your mother while she is pregnant with my baby. Ok that’s a bit much, or not enough? Maybe your mother is tumbling down a flight of stairs why holding the baby we have created together and I step aside and watch it happen. Again probably too much.

Rejection is hard to accept. In your brain you are top dog, but when someone doesn’t see you in that same light you are taken aback, likely offended. It makes you reevaluate your top dogness, which is never fun to have to consider you are not ruler of the universe. It is quite demoralizing actually, you are taken down a notch, and if you happen to be a teetering top dog, it doesn’t just take you down a notch, it destroys the entire latter. Once you hit the bottom, “you are like what the fuck just happened”, the ego has now gone on vacation. But when rejection happens you have to save what little ego you have, before it gets on the plane to Florida. You play it of like its whatever, although you are crying on the inside kicking yourself for even putting yourself out there. You had the Godfather mentality, “you only make offers that no one can refuse”, until you get refused. Then you realize you are not Don Corleone, and that is not a good feeling. That therein lies the essence of rejection.

Peaces and Creases

TBN

Fear

I don’t know why I’m scared as I cross the street from my house to the park where the first day of cross country season will take place. Well, I know why I am scared. I have never coached cross country a day in my life. Sure I am a runner and have been doing it for a while, but I have no idea how my knowledge of running translates into the ability to pass that knowledge on to children. I locate the tent that is set up for the team I am now supposedly coaching. The season officially starts today meaning we can start training and parents can bring their kids to register. I reach the tent where the general manager of the team is still setting up flyers and brochures and what have you. We exchange greetings and she informs me that my co-coach has gone to the bathroom and she encourages me to do the same if I need to. I don’t need to use the bathroom but before I can even consider this proposition my mouth takes liberty and I hear myself saying “you know what I do need to use the bathroom”. As I am walking to the restroom my mind begins to race, I’m asking myself what the hell I am doing, what do I know about coaching kids, the parents are going to immediately recognize this and yell at me, as I see it my mind. So I think it’s not too late I can still get the hell out of there and get back home and curl up to a bottle of vodka and attempt to justify my actions in my head….

Peaces and Creases

TBN

Road to Contentment

He is staring down another empty vodka bottle. It seems the universe will not work with him like an angry spouse negotiating a divorce. Day after day he wonders what the point is, same shit different day. People tell him it will all work out, but he wonders what the fuck there is to work out. It’s easy for them to say with their seemingly perfect lives. Walk a mile in his shoes and the soles will be quickly worn out. To say things are bleak for him would be an understatement.  Eating has become a chore that he often neglects; appetite is something of the past.

Then one day he receives a check in the mail that can potentially change his life. Suddenly things will actually work out, he has a brighter outlook which is a very unfamiliar feeling for him. It’s not the money that changes his outlook but rather, something actually fell in his favor for once, which he is not used to. Typically nothing ever works out for him, so often that it is the norm.

Now the question for him: what will he do with his new found fortune…..

To be continued

Peaces and Creases

TBN